God's Gift

So some of you who don't know me well enough may be wondering where I've been. I don't even know where to begin. In the past few weeks I've experienced some of the hardest things I think any person could ever experience. My mother had been in the 7th room in ICU since September 30th. The number seven means completion. As always, when I'm in town I try to spend every night that my body will allow with her. On October 27th at about 5:42am, Heaven gained an angel. I was alone with my mother as I always am on most Friday nights/Saturday mornings and I witnessed God eloquently and so gracefully take her away from me. Words can't express the mixture of emotions that I felt and still feel. Oddly the weather had changed to freezing cold just as she likes it. I knew the nurse who was over her for the night and we had just discussed everything as if we knew it was going to happen. I always feared that I would be with her if she ever passed... but at that moment the fear was gone. Anyone who knows me knows I don't like the concept of death or funerals or being near deceased individuals. Oddly, everything happened the way my mother said it would. She told me I wouldn't be scared. That morning I was extremely confident that she would be alright. Maybe it was really a Godly confidence that He had her and she would be alright.

To rewind things back my mother became ill a little over 4 years ago in 2008. I was never too big on this but I know that numbers have significance and the number 8 signifies new beginnings. She found out her health status on the 8th day of the 7th month, exactly a month before I was headed to go to school in Chicago. Can you imagine having to make the life decision of whether you should go or stay? I decided to leave, holding back the tears in hopes to accomplish the goal that she pushed me to do and with the faith that I'd be able to return to her and things would be alright. My mom's a little different than most people. She's always claimed and believed in the power of healing and we supported her in that. While away, I made it a priority to come home every single chance I got. I was living on a measly student budget, but the Lord made a way for me to walk through her front door and kiss her at least once every 2-3 months and sometimes more.

I don't know if you are one to believe in angels, but I do. My mother always harbored on a scripture that states that one should be careful of how they entertain strangers because they may be entertaining an angel of the Lord. It is my belief that my mother was an angel of the Lord. Earlier this year I Googled her name and found that her name means God's gift. She was all of that and more yet she never knew the meaning of her name. I've always said that they just don't make mothers like mine anymore. I know that I won't even be half of the woman and mother that she is. She never missed a beat when it came to her children. She would wake up every morning at 4am to fix my dad's lunch and breakfast and see him off to work. Then she'd wake back up around 6 to watch us get ready as adults and see us and my nephew off. We returned home daily to a warm meal and an inquisitive mother who wanted to know every single detail of our day. During my time in undergrad at Xavier University, my mother drove me to school nearly every day for 3 years because I didn't have a car. She refused to let me catch public transportation. She often refused for other people to pick me up or drop me off. Not only did she bring me, but in the event that my class was only an hour or two, she would sit in her car and wait for me to come out. I just don't know many if any one's parents who would do such a thing. April 1st of this year, my mother lost her mother. That night my mother's health took a turn. I rushed home to be with her and witnessed the Lord come into her room and evoke a change so strong that every doctor, every nurse, every patient, etc. on the hall were in uttered shock. When she had recovered her speech and memory, instead of her worrying about herself, she wanted to give me $300 to make up for the money I spent to fly home at last minute notice to see her. The heart of this woman... always managing to think about others before herself.

My mother is the most giving person I know. She was steady giving even when she didn't have any more to give. I think all of our relatives knew that if they ever needed something, if they called on her, she would at least try to get it or give half of it or more if she had it. She'd go to war for her family, but sadly I'm finding that her family wouldn't do the same thing for her. She was a "tell it like it is" sort of a person who said exactly what was on her mind and dared you to challenge her. A lot of people had a hard time dealing with that. Despite her health, she fought to stand. When the odds seemed to be strongly against her, she taught us to stand when she couldn't. Back in August my mother had a stroke which left her unable to speak. Prior to that she asked us (her kids) to be her voice and as her voice we spoke out for her, handled things for her and kept certain people at bay who thought they deserved the right to be what she had already instructed us to be. It amazes me how utterly sick, inconsiderate and rude so called "family" can be at a time when support, prayer and love is needed. Despite her absence, we still plan to stand for her and speak for her regardless of who may have a problem with it. In the midst of that we still remember and demonstrate the humbleness and respectful nature she taught us to have for even those who don't embody those things themselves.

Her service was by far everything that I felt like she wanted and could have ever asked her for. My mother always requested that I write up her program, and I did just that. It was by far the most surreal experience of my life. She always told me that I wouldn't be afraid to touch her or help my sister prep her for that day and she was every bit of right. It's not often or even ever that I've said this, but on Nov 3rd I witnessed the most beautiful person literally "wear the coffin". Ha! Despite the battle she faced, she had a look of satisfaction and no look of struggle. We sent her off just the way she wanted, all the way down to her makeup and clothing. I couldn't help but say, "My God she's beautiful," and most of our guests agreed. Driving up to Shreveport to bury her and seeing her for the last time is by far the one moment of my life I always wanted to avoid. I've always traveled to Shreveport either with her in the car, her already there or her trailing behind. I guess this time was like our last parade. We allowed her family and friends there to view her one last time. Sitting there I couldn't help but say... My gosh, her classmates don't look anywhere near as young as she did. Lol! I know... I'm blatantly honest without a filter. I always vowed that I'd never go back to Shreveport once something happened to Madear, my grandmother, but my mother always said to never say never. It's not every day that a girl loses the 2 strongest women she knows within 6 months. No one could have ever told me that this is the way things would have played out although my mother always used to say that she felt like when something happened to Madear, someone else would go with her. I often wonder if she knew it would be her. As a gift to my mother and in many ways a gift from her, we purchased a long overdue headstone for my grandfather who passed in 1988 and for my grandmother's grave. We buried her right next to her mother. knowing that "family" could never come on one accord about this, I felt like my mother smiled and cried knowing that despite her absence, we still strive to do the things that we know that she wanted. It was like her final good deed.

In the end of the day I can go on and on and on and on about how absolutely marvelous my mother is. If only those things could bring her back. It's amazing how prepared she had made us for this moment over my lifetime. She was a mother who talked about the uncomfortable things even when I was a child. I would be lying if I said that I was completely prepared for her passing, but I will say that I was better at handling it than I thought I would be. Maybe that can change over time since sometimes it takes time for reality to set in. Overall, I am beyond humbled and thankful for 27 blessed years with her. I could always wish I had more, but I know there is someone out there who only had 8 years, 10 years, 20 years or even no time at all. So who am I to be selfish and ask for more? In the midst of sitting on the "mourning bench" as it is often called, I couldn't feel sorry for myself... instead my focus zoomed in on the daughter of my sister's friend who passed away 2 years ago. She lost her mother at just 18 years old. I couldn't help but think, how can I complain when God gave me 9 more years than her?

I always thought that after I graduated from school the dynamics of my life would change and life as I knew it would be different, but I never thought it would change in this fashion. I know that the upcoming holidays will be extremely difficult especially because this is the time of year that she's just in her essence. I also know that when it comes to life changing things like marriage, pregnancy, kids and just day to day advice, the reality of her absence will be realer than ever for myself and my siblings. The fact of the matter is that I don't know a single woman who embodies all the things that she did. I don't feel and will never feel as comfortable with another woman as I was with her. I admire very few people's mothers, but I in the end of the day, I still would put my mom against their's any day in any competition with the confidence that she would win. I know that I will never do half of the heartfelt things she's done. I won't always gladly help others without complaining as she often did. I probably won't be the epitome of a optimistic, faith motivated and positive praying woman as she was. It's a slightly harsh reality that I won't mount up to be a good fraction of the woman she was, but I am thankful for having the best example that I feel like this side of Heaven has to offer. It's my duty to be the best woman I can be to make her proud. I'm by no means perfect but I do believe that I gave my mother something to be proud of. Myself and my siblings allowed her the opportunity to know that her hard work was not in vain. Just a few months ago she told me that I had grown up and was a woman and would always be her little baby girl. I'm thankful that God allowed her to see me be a woman and He allowed her to depart from me as I am embracing womanhood and not a baby or small child. I love her dearly... Far more than words, tears or anything could ever explain. My heart, body and soul yearns for more of her, just to smell her, hear her, be held by her, help her and gaze into those big beautiful eyes again. I know that Earth doesn't hold the possibility of our physical reunion, but Heaven does. I know that there will be a day that I will be allowed to be greeted by her in my Father's kingdom. The day that I'll see her walk again, smile again and hug me again. As I write this, I can't help but wipe away endless amounts of tears. I know that Heaven gained a good one... I know that God's plan supersedes any plan that we may have for ourselves and even for other people. It doesn't mean that some days or moments I'm not hurt, angry and having a hard time dealing. It means that I know that God is in full control and those feelings just require a little more prayer and a little more patience. Frankly, someone as good and great as her was simply too special for Earth to keep to itself. Knowing that... I thank God for sharing her with me. Although seemingly premature, I am finding comfort in knowing that she's returned to her rightful Owner... 

I LOVE YOU MAMA WITH ALL MY HEART AND EVERY PART OF ME. I AM WHO I AM TODAY BECAUSE GOD THOUGHT ENOUGH OF ME TO GIVE ME YOU AS A MOTHER. 

REST IN HEAVEN MY DIVA, MY BIG D, MY LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD, MY TWIN, MY MOTIVATOR, AND MY GIFT FROM GOD 

10.27.2012

Flying out of Nashville, TN August 2009

Toy's Party July 5, 2008

Uncle's Wedding 2010

Brodrick's Homegoing October 2010

My Graduation Party June 2, 2012

Half of a family portrait February 2007

Me and my twin Summer 2009