It seems I've always spent time with my family and then spent what seems like most of the day (6+ hours) with my significant other's family. There are a few exceptions to the rule. At one point I dated a guy who spent a decent amount of time with my family. We'd then spend equivalent time with his family and the rest was QT (quality time) for us. I must admit that with my current situation of not having a husband or kids, I enjoy splitting time equally and then having peaceful QT watching movies or even going to the movies, cuddling or going out for drinks later that night. I don't desire to sit with my significant other under the watchful eye of my or his family all night long. I understand that everyone's family has different traditions but to be required to partake in it all without acknowledging plans of your own can be overkill. I've never had a problem leaving my family at some point on Christmas Eve, New Years Eve, New Years Day, Easter, Christmas Day, Fourth of July, etc as long as I've spent "some" time with them. After losing my mom I've questioned whether I should have been more adamant in my relationships with demanding or not bending from my family's traditions. Should I have been more adamant about spending more time with my family? I find that relationships are supposed to be a lot of give and take, but I feel like in this area I was the one overly giving while others just took. It's not fine if we as a couple only spend 20 minutes to an hour with my family but 8+ hours with yours. I've experienced where one guy's family would blow up his phone from the second he gets to my house til the time we leave demanding our whereabouts and that we show up to go on this parade to all the relatives houses or just sit by their family's house. Were you not just with them all morning and most of the day? So I guess in this case this is fair? For who?
I can't rewrite my past, but if I could I would have spent every holiday of the past few years at home with my mom. There were times when she asked me to stay, and I would leave to do what I suppose I wanted to do and to please others. In particular, my last NYE with her, she asked me to stay since we had spent most of the day together, and she said I looked tired. Instead, I left to make it to a NYE party, not realizing that maybe she asked me to stay to embrace that holiday together for the last time. Although she's gone now, I have no desire to partake in the pressure to please others and my future significant other's desire to have his way and please his family. I may spend every holiday at home with just a few loved ones, but that's how we've always done it. That doesn't make the way I spend my holidays less important than someone else who has every living relative over. I no longer have a desire to change that for people who aren't willing to compromise for me.
The most inspiring thing I've heard about this topic was recently from a friend who is a newly wed. She said that since herself and her hubby don't live in the same cities as their families they alternate holidays. If they spend Thanksgiving with her family then Christmas will be spent with his family and the following year they switch. She says that for now it seems to be working well. My only question for dating or marrying people with demanding families is what happens when you have your own household? Do you continue with your premarital traditions? Is it unsafe to say it's ok to step out on a limb and create your own traditions? I don't own my own house, but with trying to continue my mother's tradition, for now, I help my sister entertain and accommodate our cousins and aunt. So am I supposed to just throw that out the window to go spend time with someone else's family? The "oh just forget what you do and come to my house mentality" is acceptable? Passing by relatives to say hi or exchange warm hugs and gifts is one thing, but being expected to spend every moment of a holiday with your family alone is unrealistic if you plan to have a healthy relationship with someone else. Your family is just as important as the next person. Realizing that my time in the past years may have been spent unfairly, I'm pushing forward with a new mind, respecting those who respect my family and our traditions as well.
One day I desire to have a home and family of my own. I desire to take Christmas to the tremendous levels that my mother instilled in me with a full spread of food and decoration even if it's just me, my kids and husband. I want to develop that warm and cozy environment that I remember waking up to every year and appreciating it. If my kids are expected to wake up and open Christmas gifts every year by Aunt Sallie or MawMaw Flo's house then what about my family? I guess my family just gets the left over time every year? If NYE parties are only at your family's house then what about when I'm invited to an even bigger and better one that I'd like to experience with you? If Easter service is always spent at you home church then what about where I spend mine? Can I not spend any of these holidays alone and cozy in the 4 walls of our own home since after all it is a paid holiday from work? Can I not surprise my kids with Christmas in Disney World away from family? Or does family have to come along for our plans to be approved? When I have a family, I don't want to be guilt tripped about what's tradition and what relative wants me where. My own elatives don't dictate my life so I don't feel obligated to allow someone else and their family to do so. I'm my own woman and I'd rather make decisions in best interest of my future household or relationship. Decisions that are balanced and decided by the both of "us" not just one or an outsider (Paw-Paw, Tee-Tee, Unc, Maw-Maw, Mama, Nanna, Pawran, daddy, etc). I'd rather make both of us happy and not just one. If we can't do that then you do your family's traditions alone and I'll do mine but realistically I'd prefer to compromise. Truth be told, you can't make everyone happy.
Last year I spent Christmas at home with uncombed hair and in PJs. This year I woke up late, sulked in my own depression, got pretty, ate well, caught the "itis", shared a couple of laughs, played the Wii, and sat in the 4 walls of my parent's home, and guess what? I feel good about it. There are several people I had plans to visit and drop gifts off to, but I can visit people all year long or even tomorrow for that matter. If you're truly close to me, then I see you and communicate with you all the time anyways so one day doesn't matter. It's crazy to feel required or pressured to do so much and please so many people in one or two days. The holidays are when the most car accidents happen yet loving family members want to put you on the road visiting this one and that one, running from pillar to post. Be wise. Not stupid. Christmas is about Christ, not making relatives and friends happy. Who's visiting Him for His birthday and giving Him gifts? Ha! This is not you or your relative's birthday so why are we focusing so much on giving them everything that they want? How you spend your holidays is entirely up to you but you are a fool and selfish to think that your family's way is the only way.
Happy Holidays!
R.I.P. Mom... Closing another year without you.
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